The mission
touches more
than one life.
My main work is with men. But the work a man does rarely happens in isolation — and sometimes his partner is navigating the same terrain from the other side. This page explains when I step into that, how, and why it has to be done carefully.
My primary work.
I work primarily with men. That isn't a disregard for women — quite the opposite. I hold women in the highest regard and esteem. It is a focus on a very specific mission: helping men rebuild the internal foundations that make them trustworthy, grounded, and genuinely present in their relationships.
That focus matters. Generalism in this work tends to produce diluted results. The men I work with have specific patterns, specific wounds, and specific relational dynamics that benefit from someone who has gone deep into that particular terrain.
But that mission almost inevitably touches the people who are closest to these men. Wives and partners are living the downstream effects of the same patterns I am helping the man address. Because of that, there are structured ways I sometimes offer support beyond the man himself.
Three ways I sometimes work with partners.
Direct coaching for a partner
When the man I am working with has a partner who is navigating the same kinds of issues from her side — the walking on eggshells, the resentment, the disconnection, the uncertainty about what's actually changing — I sometimes offer direct support to her as well.
This is not done to manage the relationship on his behalf, or hers. It is done to help her develop her own clarity, groundedness, and capacity — which, in my experience, contributes far more to relational health than trying to coordinate outcomes between people.
These sessions focus entirely on her interior world: what is hers to own, what is within her agency, what integrity looks like for her, and what kind of person she wants to become regardless of how things unfold.
2-on-1 sessions
Sometimes both partners meet with me directly — the two of them with me. This allows each person to feel heard and present in the same conversation, rather than relying on what one person reports about the other.
These are structured carefully. The goal is not arbitration, not diagnosis, and not coalition-building with either side. The goal is helping both people gain clarity together about what is happening and what each person's role in it actually is.
Couple-to-couple mentoring — with Zelda
My wife Zelda and I sometimes offer couple-to-couple sessions together. In this format, both of us are present, working alongside both of you.
In my experience, this is one of the cleanest relational containers available for complex gridlock. Having both a man and a woman present substantially reduces the risk of one partner feeling unrepresented, misunderstood, or subtly worked against. Each person has someone in the room who can meet them where they are.
These sessions are priced at a rate of two hours per one-hour session, reflecting Zelda's involvement and the depth of the work.
The introductory meeting — so you can know who is in the room
This one is different from the others. It is not a coaching session. It is simply a chance for a client's partner to meet me before any decisions are made about working together.
Years ago, when my wife and I were struggling, I felt uneasy about her having guidance from someone I didn't know — because I had no way of knowing what was being said and how it might impact our relationship. When I later did my own work with a coach, she had similar reservations. Those memories inform how I do this work.
I think it is reasonable, wise, and prudent to know the people who could influence our partners and, ultimately, our marriage and family. Because of that, I make myself available — only at a client's request — for an introductory conversation with his partner, so she can know who I am before anything else begins.
This is initiated by the client, not by me, and not by the partner. It is simply an offer to be known.
The danger
isn't privacy.
It's triangulation.
The question I am most often asked about this kind of work is whether working with both partners creates a conflict of interest. It's a fair question, and I want to answer it honestly.
A true conflict of interest in this kind of work arises when a practitioner becomes attached to one person's desired outcome for the other person. That is the real danger — not whether both people are talking to the same coach.
What I watch for carefully is triangulation: the dynamic where a practitioner gets pulled into a relationship's conflict and subtly becomes an advocate, interpreter, rescuer, or prosecutor for one side against the other. This happens far more often in helping professions than most people realize.
Once the work shifts from internal capacity-building to "you're right and your partner is wrong," it stops being about growth. It becomes a coalition — and coalitions create all kinds of distortions and conflicts of interest that work directly against the relationship both people actually want.
I also want to be honest about something: I am not above the normal human dynamics involved in this work. I like people. I do not enjoy disappointing others or being misunderstood. These are things I have to stay conscious of and accountable for continually — because the pull toward reassurance and comfort can quietly erode the integrity of the work.
Privacy is not the same as secrecy.
I hold the same level of confidentiality and responsibility in all coaching relationships, regardless of whether a partner is also involved in some way. I keep private matters private and confidential.
But I do not support, encourage, or enable secrecy.
Privacy protects dignity. It recognizes that some things belong to a person and are shared deliberately and appropriately. Secrecy is different — it is usually rooted in hiding, shame, or the deliberate prevention of an important truth from coming into the light.
There are situations where I may pause or decline a coaching engagement if I believe someone is actively maintaining a secret that poses significant harm or risk to a relationship while simultaneously asking me to help strengthen that same relationship. Those situations are nuanced. But the principle is clear.
What I hold to.
I keep confidences, not secrets.
Private matters stay private. Secrets that harm people are not mine to keep — or protect.
I do not take sides.
My aim is clarity for each person — not reinforcement of one person's narrative about the other.
I do not diagnose either partner.
I do not help build cases for why one person is 'the problem.' That is not this work.
I do not participate in hidden communication.
No parallel conversations that one partner is unaware of.
I do not become a proxy advocate.
I am not here to steer your partner toward your desired outcome, even subtly.
My focus is always internally directed.
What is yours to own. What is within your agency. What integrity looks like for you.
Not sure where to start?
If you're a man and this page is relevant to your situation, the right starting point is still the coaching application. Mention your partner's potential involvement and we'll discuss what structure makes the most sense.